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Quote of the day:

“so there’s this new thing here… where i always tell people… this sucks… you shouldnt do that… lets do it this way… and nobody ever listens to me. then after i build it their way… we end up changing it back to what i suggested in the first place. a guy here has started calling me Jack Bower… and says… if they always listened to Jack Bower… the show would be called 12, not 24.”

hat tip -> tim

This was amazing. My favorite line “That’s ALL I want to talk about.”

While she was “flying” down the road yesterday (10 miles over the speed limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic, patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, “What’s your hurry?”

To which she replied, “I’m late for work.”

“Oh yeah,” said the cop, “what do you do?”

“I’m a rectum stretcher,” she responded.

The cop stammered, “A what?

A rectum stretcher.

And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”

“Well,” she said, “I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it’s about 6 feet wide.”

And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?” he asked.

“You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”

Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs. $45.00
The Look on Cop’s Face. PRICELESS

hat tip -> brady

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship between Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: You get three meals a day.
AT WORK: You get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: You could get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON: They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: You aren’t even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: You spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON: You must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: They are called managers.

hat tip -> brian

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